Selfish to Selfless

Mindy and I celebrated 8 years of marriage together on September 1^st. I know some couples in our church have done that 3, 5, or 8 times over, so you are way ahead of us. As I reflect on what can happen in 8 years, there are so many things that run through my mind. As I began college, the 8 years it would take to be a pastor seemed like such a long time. I remember saying to a freshman buddy who was on the same road as me that I wish we could be pastors now. I was so anxious to start ministry, and yet God had me in a waiting and learning period.

Every anniversary I like to look back. You know this because every May congregational meeting I have us look back over the last several years at Mt. Calvary. As I look back on what has happened in my marriage, I can count how many homes we have lived in, cars we’ve had, jobs, and kids. This year, that list seemed longer than it needed to be. Mindy put it simply when she sent me a picture of us kissing on our wedding day and said, “I love you more than I did back then…” I guess the dot, dot, dot only implied the years to come.

When I began my marriage, I had images of what I thought being a pastor, husband and father looked like. I had no outcomes planned or goals I wanted to see accomplished. I merely wanted to meet that image in my head. However, in trying to meet that image, I unknowingly had expectations that I wanted Mindy to meet. The failure, of course, is that they were my expectations of an image I never shared with Mindy. I had a very selfish view of MY marriage.

I remember the day someone pulled me aside and told me that marriage was a shared responsibility, that I should stop figuring out who should do what job in our marriage and start working on loving my wife. That was the moment that the picture I had in my mind of what my marriage was supposed to look like began to fade. It was like the Back to the Future movie where the Marty’s family picture changes as he alters the past. There was no time machine for me, except perhaps realizing that the marriages and pastors I had based my image on were actually broken people learning how to repent for their selfish ways and asking Jesus to help them lead selfless lives.

The romantic view of ministry and marriage was necessary. Wanting both of those things so badly was my driving force. Now, as I am 8 years into both my ministry and my marriage, I realize that each of them is hard work. Happily, the romantic view has returned, yet now I don’t treasure some fake image.  Instead I treasure the change God is making in my heart from selfish desires to the selfless desire to serve Mindy, my family, and the people God’s puts in my life. This weekend we try and understand how Paul was painting that picture for the people of Rome, and how that picture is laid out for you and me.