College
taught me a lot about intentional relationships. It was the first time I was truly
able to have control in my relationships. Sure, kindergarten through high
school I had friends and was not forced to be friends with certain people, but
I certainly had a limited number of places I could pull from. I had friends I went
camping with, and ones I would hang out with on Friday night, and yet we don’t
talk anymore. Our only contact is that we can see each other’s updates on Facebook.
Sad, right? Well, I never really chose those friends; they were just there.
Starting
off in college I was put into a dorm, therefore those guys became my “friends.”
Most of them had different interests than me, but that was where I was placed. As
a freshman, I was also learning to navigate through this odd experience of
being in control of my choices. I decided what to do on a Friday night and who
to hang out with. As time passed I was drawn to other people with whom I shared
more in common. By my sophomore year I was more settled, confidant in who I
was, and establishing friendships that would stick with me for life.
As I
was writing this blog, my best friend from college called. We met sophomore
year and had common interests in music, faith, and sports. Music still bonds us
as we talk about new albums coming out. It was once easy for us to be friends.
We could just walk across campus and hang out.
In our final year of school we even lived together. Our friendship has
lasted a long time, but it hasn’t been easy. We had our seasons we had to work at, like
when I was in Seminary and he was in the Marines, or when I was married and he
was still single. During those times we had to talk about how our friendship would
survive. For a long time we called each other at least weekly. On vicarage, he
came to see me. As life got busy, we intentionally had to focus on the
relationship to stay friends. We had to be intentional about how to connect.
In
college this wasn’t hard for me. I
didn’t consider it work. I connected with people that had similar interests and
we hung out. If the relationship didn’t fit common criteria I had chosen, then
it just naturally drifted away. But as an adult, I’m not surrounded by hundreds
of people going through a similar experience, so I must make intentional decisions.
What was once easy now became hard. And
to make matters worse, I got married. (Oh come on. I bragged on her last week;
a quick shot is ok.) The only reason it is worse is because my wife brought her
way of making friendships into our relationship, and we are much different in
this aspect. This brought me to a shocking conclusion – I cannot have intentional
relationships with everyone I want to. Maybe I should have realized this was
the natural progression of things, since I’ve been through enough broken hearts
in my life. I juggled my friends like spinning plates. I wanted to evenly keep
up with all of them. As marriage and ministry came, I realized this was just
not feasible. Then I threw kids into the mix.
One
of the most powerful moments of realization came at the end of my vicarage. There
was a husband/wife couple I became good friends with. We hung out every single
week. This is very typical of my extroverted nature, to find friends and grow
close fast. When I left, the husband asked me what our friendship would look
like now, and I said, “When we see each other it will be like I never left, but
in the meantime, it may feel distant.” His wife and I had a much different
conversation. I was sharing with them how I was going to play basketball for
the Seminary team, and she was almost arguing with me that I would not have
enough time to do that. What she was implying is how I was not going to have time
for them now. This may seem odd at first, but it has everything to do with
intentional relationships. I was the one who left, and their world changed. She
was hurting, and wondered if it would ever be the same.
John
knew he had groups of people God had allowed him to connect with. He had groups
of people he could build intentional relationships with. Sometimes we bite off
more than we can chew, and have so many relationships that it is too much to handle.
Sometimes it is the reverse, and we lack patience in seeing if a relationship will
develop. Either way, it is absolutely for certain that God knows relationships
are important in our lives. He built us to seek them out. The word “intentional”
can even mean praying for friendships and relationships. I know that may sound
like something only someone who is “weak” would do. The truth is, Jesus is in
my relationships, and as we walk through life with other people, we see Jesus
work in them and us. John was also intentional about asking God about the
details of those relationships. We take time to ask ourselves questions about
who God is putting in our lives to build an intentional relationship with. It
may not be the people we think, and therefore at times it can be scary. But
just like anything in this life, when we see Jesus guide and direct an area, we
see Him show up, and it is much better than we could have humanly ever
imagined.
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