Thursday, September 29, 2016

Electing Values Elected: Intentional Relationships


College taught me a lot about intentional relationships. It was the first time I was truly able to have control in my relationships. Sure, kindergarten through high school I had friends and was not forced to be friends with certain people, but I certainly had a limited number of places I could pull from. I had friends I went camping with, and ones I would hang out with on Friday night, and yet we don’t talk anymore. Our only contact is that we can see each other’s updates on Facebook. Sad, right? Well, I never really chose those friends; they were just there.

Starting off in college I was put into a dorm, therefore those guys became my “friends.” Most of them had different interests than me, but that was where I was placed. As a freshman, I was also learning to navigate through this odd experience of being in control of my choices. I decided what to do on a Friday night and who to hang out with. As time passed I was drawn to other people with whom I shared more in common. By my sophomore year I was more settled, confidant in who I was, and establishing friendships that would stick with me for life.

As I was writing this blog, my best friend from college called. We met sophomore year and had common interests in music, faith, and sports. Music still bonds us as we talk about new albums coming out. It was once easy for us to be friends. We could just walk across campus and hang out.  In our final year of school we even lived together. Our friendship has lasted a long time, but it hasn’t been easy.  We had our seasons we had to work at, like when I was in Seminary and he was in the Marines, or when I was married and he was still single. During those times we had to talk about how our friendship would survive. For a long time we called each other at least weekly. On vicarage, he came to see me. As life got busy, we intentionally had to focus on the relationship to stay friends. We had to be intentional about how to connect.

In college this wasn’t hard for me.  I didn’t consider it work. I connected with people that had similar interests and we hung out. If the relationship didn’t fit common criteria I had chosen, then it just naturally drifted away. But as an adult, I’m not surrounded by hundreds of people going through a similar experience, so I must make intentional decisions. What was once easy now became hard.  And to make matters worse, I got married. (Oh come on. I bragged on her last week; a quick shot is ok.) The only reason it is worse is because my wife brought her way of making friendships into our relationship, and we are much different in this aspect. This brought me to a shocking conclusion – I cannot have intentional relationships with everyone I want to. Maybe I should have realized this was the natural progression of things, since I’ve been through enough broken hearts in my life. I juggled my friends like spinning plates. I wanted to evenly keep up with all of them. As marriage and ministry came, I realized this was just not feasible. Then I threw kids into the mix.

One of the most powerful moments of realization came at the end of my vicarage. There was a husband/wife couple I became good friends with. We hung out every single week. This is very typical of my extroverted nature, to find friends and grow close fast. When I left, the husband asked me what our friendship would look like now, and I said, “When we see each other it will be like I never left, but in the meantime, it may feel distant.” His wife and I had a much different conversation. I was sharing with them how I was going to play basketball for the Seminary team, and she was almost arguing with me that I would not have enough time to do that. What she was implying is how I was not going to have time for them now. This may seem odd at first, but it has everything to do with intentional relationships. I was the one who left, and their world changed. She was hurting, and wondered if it would ever be the same.

John knew he had groups of people God had allowed him to connect with. He had groups of people he could build intentional relationships with. Sometimes we bite off more than we can chew, and have so many relationships that it is too much to handle. Sometimes it is the reverse, and we lack patience in seeing if a relationship will develop. Either way, it is absolutely for certain that God knows relationships are important in our lives. He built us to seek them out. The word “intentional” can even mean praying for friendships and relationships. I know that may sound like something only someone who is “weak” would do. The truth is, Jesus is in my relationships, and as we walk through life with other people, we see Jesus work in them and us. John was also intentional about asking God about the details of those relationships. We take time to ask ourselves questions about who God is putting in our lives to build an intentional relationship with. It may not be the people we think, and therefore at times it can be scary. But just like anything in this life, when we see Jesus guide and direct an area, we see Him show up, and it is much better than we could have humanly ever imagined.

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